My mother died today. I have so much I want to say and yet I have fallen somewhat silent in my new grief. It is new, I have been grieving the loss of my mother for well over a year. I said goodbye to her a few months ago ~ in my heart anyway, physically I said goodbye just after Thanksgiving. So, this grief, is new. She is now gone. But my mother was always gone. I was raised by babysitters, some who had no business babysitting, and my grandmother. My mother was 41 when she had me. My dad left when I was 3. There was a brief attempt at reconciliation when I was 8 then ended explosively and with me winding up with an orange and white kitten. Score!! Worked for me. So, at 41 there she was, the year was 1974 and she was on her own. It’s a long story of course that I won’t share here, I’ve just decided to write a book about it.
All I know is that yesterday my mom was here and today she isn’t. And there is a world full of people out there who have moms they will not reach out to today for whatever reason. And those reasons, how important are any of them when they are gone, they are gone. Mom was just here at Christmas. She was just here.
Waves of grief rise up in me from somewhere deep in my belly and they end up as tears I make no attempt whatsoever to stop. They are cool as they fall down against my cheeks, small wet circles form on my shirt. The circles get bigger, much bigger. This one, touches down deep.
On paper, you would think I could just check the boxes and move on. “She was older, she’s no longer suffering, she’s in a better place, she’s reunited with her son, etc”., and I do believe with all my heart all that to be true however it does not take away from the fact, the simple fact, that. . . my mom died today and I have the rest of my life now without her and I am going to just miss her so much.
Right before she passed she acknowledged the hurt she had caused me growing up. Do you have any idea what that moment was like? I was able to hold her sweet face in my hands, look her in the eyes and tell her with all my heart that I forgive her, that and a few other amazing moments happened when she dipped into clarity. They were amazing. On another occasion, she just perked up, looked around, and said, “happiest day of my life was the day you were born” and then she was back under this fog again. My last moments with her I would not trade for anything. They were some of the most beautiful moments of my life, besides the birth of my boys, that I’ve had the honor to experience.
I’m so sorry for this immense loss and the grief that’s arising. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your heart and mind. I think it’s powerful that you will write a book about it. I am wishing you the absolute best on your journey forward. Much love always 🙏🏽☀️
Many thanks for such a thoughtful and kind reply🙏her spirit is strong with me today and it's nothing fancy. She wants to know why my laundry's backed up.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you’re experiencing. It’s so hard to tame the void, to witness life as usual continuing for others while our present has crumbled. It was moving to read this. Sending healing thoughts for your reconstruction in this new reality, without her sharing our tangible and material world... 🙏🏻 ✨
This especially: "The person you fall in love with initially will not remain the same throughout the entirety of your relationship. If the connection is strong and if your commitments have created a safe and rejuvenating home, then it won’t be difficult to fall in love with each other again and again."
My mother died today. I have so much I want to say and yet I have fallen somewhat silent in my new grief. It is new, I have been grieving the loss of my mother for well over a year. I said goodbye to her a few months ago ~ in my heart anyway, physically I said goodbye just after Thanksgiving. So, this grief, is new. She is now gone. But my mother was always gone. I was raised by babysitters, some who had no business babysitting, and my grandmother. My mother was 41 when she had me. My dad left when I was 3. There was a brief attempt at reconciliation when I was 8 then ended explosively and with me winding up with an orange and white kitten. Score!! Worked for me. So, at 41 there she was, the year was 1974 and she was on her own. It’s a long story of course that I won’t share here, I’ve just decided to write a book about it.
All I know is that yesterday my mom was here and today she isn’t. And there is a world full of people out there who have moms they will not reach out to today for whatever reason. And those reasons, how important are any of them when they are gone, they are gone. Mom was just here at Christmas. She was just here.
Waves of grief rise up in me from somewhere deep in my belly and they end up as tears I make no attempt whatsoever to stop. They are cool as they fall down against my cheeks, small wet circles form on my shirt. The circles get bigger, much bigger. This one, touches down deep.
On paper, you would think I could just check the boxes and move on. “She was older, she’s no longer suffering, she’s in a better place, she’s reunited with her son, etc”., and I do believe with all my heart all that to be true however it does not take away from the fact, the simple fact, that. . . my mom died today and I have the rest of my life now without her and I am going to just miss her so much.
Right before she passed she acknowledged the hurt she had caused me growing up. Do you have any idea what that moment was like? I was able to hold her sweet face in my hands, look her in the eyes and tell her with all my heart that I forgive her, that and a few other amazing moments happened when she dipped into clarity. They were amazing. On another occasion, she just perked up, looked around, and said, “happiest day of my life was the day you were born” and then she was back under this fog again. My last moments with her I would not trade for anything. They were some of the most beautiful moments of my life, besides the birth of my boys, that I’ve had the honor to experience.
I’m so sorry for this immense loss and the grief that’s arising. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your heart and mind. I think it’s powerful that you will write a book about it. I am wishing you the absolute best on your journey forward. Much love always 🙏🏽☀️
Many thanks for such a thoughtful and kind reply🙏her spirit is strong with me today and it's nothing fancy. She wants to know why my laundry's backed up.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you’re experiencing. It’s so hard to tame the void, to witness life as usual continuing for others while our present has crumbled. It was moving to read this. Sending healing thoughts for your reconstruction in this new reality, without her sharing our tangible and material world... 🙏🏻 ✨
Sophie, thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful response❤️✨
what a blessing, this final, lasting interaction, Niki. wow. rare.
Yes❤️I am deeply grateful 🙏
This especially: "The person you fall in love with initially will not remain the same throughout the entirety of your relationship. If the connection is strong and if your commitments have created a safe and rejuvenating home, then it won’t be difficult to fall in love with each other again and again."
Thank you from James and me, dear brother
Favorite Books: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin; The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu; Death’s End by Cixin Liu
Loved all three of them. Among my very favorites from the past few years as well.
And Past Lives! My favorite film I watched this year.
🩵