Relationships & Forgiveness
You may fall in love with someone for who they are in that moment, but mature relationships leave space for each person to grow and evolve.
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Relationships are not about constantly catering to each other; they are about growing together through the ups and downs. Of course, supporting each other’s happiness is important, but relationships are not a never-ending blissful paradise. Nothing in life is perfectly pleasant all of the time. Detaching from the idea that every day should be high energy and joyful makes room for a deeper level of love. A relationship is meant to be a journey, one on which you are bound to come across the unhealed parts of yourself. A truly loving union is a truth-telling mirror. you will see the rough parts of your ego and many of the areas where growing will help you become a happier individual and a better partner. Love is the internal discovery of self-awareness and selflessness; it is the overcoming of ego and the healing of old wounds so you can turn outward and show up for yourself and others in a much more nurturing way.
Relationships built on beauty and lust do not have the foundation for a long-lasting union. much more than this is needed to build an enduring partnership. It is more substantial to fall in love with who a person is, their mannerisms, their resilience and brilliance, the way they move about the world, the decisions they make, their aspirations and values, and most importantly the way their being feels naturally right sitting next to yours. These qualities are not normally apparent on the surface. It takes wanting to know someone on a deeper level to fully appreciate how special they are. You may fall in love with someone for who they are in that moment, but mature relationships leave space for each person to grow and evolve. The person you fall in love with initially will not remain the same throughout the entirety of your relationship. If the connection is strong and if your commitments have created a safe and rejuvenating home, then it won’t be difficult to fall in love with each other again and again. Part of loving a partner well is getting to know the new aspects of their personality as they emerge. Loving each other for who you are now, instead of who you were then, keeps the relationship fresh and focused on the present.
Forgiveness is powerful medicine. Hate weighs heavily on the mind.
feeling intense aversion to someone is a sign of attachment because there is something there that we refuse to move past or let go of. Not only does this keep our energy pointed in the direction of the past, it keeps the mind rolling in turbulence. You may feel aversion to someone because of something they did to you, but feeling that same intensity toward them repeatedly, long after the incident has passed, does more damage to you than to them. If the simple thought of them makes your mind react with heaviness and repugnance, that means you are giving them too much of your mental space. When you take your evolution into your own hands, you do the work of reclaiming your power – in this case this means returning your energy back to you by not letting your reactions drag you back to what happened in the past. Seek a middle ground where you let go and simultaneously let the past inform you instead of control you. Total forgiveness is freedom. Even if you struggle to fully pardon them in your heart, you can still make some peace with the past so you can finally experience peace in your mind.
These are excerpts from The Way Forward.
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2023 Favorites:
Favorite Books: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin; The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu; Death’s End by Cixin Liu
Favorite Movies: The Creator directed by Gareth Edwards; Past Lives directed by Celine Song; Pride & Prejudice (2005) directed by Joe Wright
Favorite TV Show: Survivor Season 44
Favorite Clothes: Ministry of Supply
Favorite Trip: Japan (Tokyo, Okinawa, Kyoto)
Favorite Tea: Mixture of Tulsi & Jiaogulan
Favorite Supplement: Armra
Favorite Writing Songs: Idea 10 by Gibran Alcocer; In This Shirt by The Irrepressibles; Eros by Nicholas Britell; Her Eyes the Stars by Luchs & Patrick Berg; The Last Black Man in San Francisco by Emile Mosseri
Favorite Piece I’ve Written: page 103 in The Way Forward
Favorite Teacher: Impermanence
My mother died today. I have so much I want to say and yet I have fallen somewhat silent in my new grief. It is new, I have been grieving the loss of my mother for well over a year. I said goodbye to her a few months ago ~ in my heart anyway, physically I said goodbye just after Thanksgiving. So, this grief, is new. She is now gone. But my mother was always gone. I was raised by babysitters, some who had no business babysitting, and my grandmother. My mother was 41 when she had me. My dad left when I was 3. There was a brief attempt at reconciliation when I was 8 then ended explosively and with me winding up with an orange and white kitten. Score!! Worked for me. So, at 41 there she was, the year was 1974 and she was on her own. It’s a long story of course that I won’t share here, I’ve just decided to write a book about it.
All I know is that yesterday my mom was here and today she isn’t. And there is a world full of people out there who have moms they will not reach out to today for whatever reason. And those reasons, how important are any of them when they are gone, they are gone. Mom was just here at Christmas. She was just here.
Waves of grief rise up in me from somewhere deep in my belly and they end up as tears I make no attempt whatsoever to stop. They are cool as they fall down against my cheeks, small wet circles form on my shirt. The circles get bigger, much bigger. This one, touches down deep.
On paper, you would think I could just check the boxes and move on. “She was older, she’s no longer suffering, she’s in a better place, she’s reunited with her son, etc”., and I do believe with all my heart all that to be true however it does not take away from the fact, the simple fact, that. . . my mom died today and I have the rest of my life now without her and I am going to just miss her so much.
Right before she passed she acknowledged the hurt she had caused me growing up. Do you have any idea what that moment was like? I was able to hold her sweet face in my hands, look her in the eyes and tell her with all my heart that I forgive her, that and a few other amazing moments happened when she dipped into clarity. They were amazing. On another occasion, she just perked up, looked around, and said, “happiest day of my life was the day you were born” and then she was back under this fog again. My last moments with her I would not trade for anything. They were some of the most beautiful moments of my life, besides the birth of my boys, that I’ve had the honor to experience.
This especially: "The person you fall in love with initially will not remain the same throughout the entirety of your relationship. If the connection is strong and if your commitments have created a safe and rejuvenating home, then it won’t be difficult to fall in love with each other again and again."
Thank you from James and me, dear brother