Sometimes it's present at the beginning, the thought that this is wrong, this person is wrong, this coupling is wrong, but you rationalise. So, the maybes start, maybe when this event happens it will get better, maybe when we move home, maybe when this..., maybe when that....
So, you convince yourself to stay way longer than you know you should because those you rely on for support believe in marriages that endure. Maybe it's me, maybe I am too demanding, maybe I am too sensitive, may I ...
"When you have never seen a healthy relationship model for you how do you know what a good one looks like?" These are the questions tossed at you by loved ones. So, you start to doubt yourself. So you stayed until the internal screams became too loud to drown out by distracting yourself. When you started dreaming that you're drowning, submerging, struggling to breathe, tangled in an invisible net of despair. When the silent panic became oh so loud that you can no longer deny it's existence.
Your private world stood as the world came to a halt. A pandemic. Everything stopped. You stopped and everything you have been denying hits with an undeniable force as you're standing still. Now you know that you have to walk away from everything that you hoped would be, everything you tried to create. Walking away alone and without support. But you have to, you have to fight yourself this once. So, you walk away from him and from them. What followed showed you who he really was. The mask is now completely off. What followed was damage that surpassed the damage that you endured during it all. What followed was your spirit being broken. What followed turned you cold, fearful and distrustful. What followed was self blame for not walking away when you stopped being able to answer in the affirmative to the above reflection. What followed was an ending attempt to find the warmth that once resided in your heart, now dimmed by this dark soul destroying experience. What followed was a permanent sorrow so pure and complete that joy hasn't been able to break through since. What followed was incessantly and relentlessly asking what if, if only I did, if I could go back in time, if...
What now needs to follow is healing and that feels like the toughest battle yet.
Sometimes it's present at the beginning, the thought that this is wrong, this person is wrong, this coupling is wrong, but you rationalise. So, the maybes start, maybe when this event happens it will get better, maybe when we move home, maybe when this..., maybe when that....
So, you convince yourself to stay way longer than you know you should because those you rely on for support believe in marriages that endure. Maybe it's me, maybe I am too demanding, maybe I am too sensitive, may I ...
"When you have never seen a healthy relationship model for you how do you know what a good one looks like?" These are the questions tossed at you by loved ones. So, you start to doubt yourself. So you stayed until the internal screams became too loud to drown out by distracting yourself. When you started dreaming that you're drowning, submerging, struggling to breathe, tangled in an invisible net of despair. When the silent panic became oh so loud that you can no longer deny it's existence.
Your private world stood as the world came to a halt. A pandemic. Everything stopped. You stopped and everything you have been denying hits with an undeniable force as you're standing still. Now you know that you have to walk away from everything that you hoped would be, everything you tried to create. Walking away alone and without support. But you have to, you have to fight yourself this once. So, you walk away from him and from them. What followed showed you who he really was. The mask is now completely off. What followed was damage that surpassed the damage that you endured during it all. What followed was your spirit being broken. What followed turned you cold, fearful and distrustful. What followed was self blame for not walking away when you stopped being able to answer in the affirmative to the above reflection. What followed was an ending attempt to find the warmth that once resided in your heart, now dimmed by this dark soul destroying experience. What followed was a permanent sorrow so pure and complete that joy hasn't been able to break through since. What followed was incessantly and relentlessly asking what if, if only I did, if I could go back in time, if...
What now needs to follow is healing and that feels like the toughest battle yet.
😞😥😢
Good post to come across on this full moon in Scorpio 🌕🦂