My new app for couples Ready Together is now available on Android!
Ready Together has a lot of new useful updates that can help you and your partner elevate your emotional intelligence and love each other better. Sara and I are really enjoying using it. At the end of this newsletter I added new screenshots of us using the app. Don’t forget to invite your partner after you download it.
Download it and use it for free on iPhone and Android. Hope it serves you well!
New Short Piece
A wise woman once told me:
Don’t get stuck worrying about what other people think of you. Life is too short to get caught up in negativity that’s outside of your control. Just keep growing, stay kind, help others, and keep beaming your light into the world.
Your Partner Should Know Your Triggers
Understanding each other’s triggers is necessary in a serious relationship. As you two get to know each other more and more, it will become clear that life has not been easy for either of you. No individual experiences life without having gone through some form of harm or developing some habits and patterns that are detrimental.
Even at its most beautiful, life can be stressful. Trigger points are essentially moments or experiences of our past that heavily coat our present-day perception. When we encounter something like what we experienced in the past that reminds us of that dreadful moment, the same intense reaction surfaces as a coping mechanism or as a form of self-defense. Sometimes the defense is necessary and sometimes it is totally unwarranted because the mind perceived danger where there was none.
What is difficult is that we are not each other’s therapists. We are not individuals trained to handle someone else’s trauma. We are merely peers who love each other. All we can do is our best to understand the other’s emotional terrain, to equip each other with as much information as possible about why we are the way we are. This is especially important for long-term relationships. Having the courage to walk each other through our emotional histories takes a lot of strength but it is necessary if we are to have a good chance at loving each other well.
Understanding someone’s triggers does not mean tiptoeing around them or coddling them. It means being well-informed so that you can skillfully and gently hold each other’s vulnerability when you are going through difficult moments or having deep conversations. When the heart is open during moments of vulnerability, it is valuable to remember your partner’s trigger points so that you can treat each other compassionately.
When your partner decides to do healing work to overcome their triggers, make sure that you support them in moving at a pace that is good for them. This is not the time to “test” them in unnecessary ways. They should clearly outline what they are comfortable with and how they would like your help. You are not your partner’s coach, in fact, when trying to do deep healing work it is better to involve professionals so that you can successfully maneuver this sensitive process.
You can’t force your partner to change or heal in the ways you want them to. Even though you may think you know what is best for them and you see a clear way for them to deal with their inner issues or old pain, it simply is not helpful to push someone to do work that only they themselves can decide they are ready for. Of course, you can give suggestions and share what has helped you, but every person needs to walk the path of healing themselves, from their own volition.
Love is founded on freedom; this implies that you need to lean into your acceptance and patience if you are committed to growing together. No relationship is without conflict or difficult moments, especially because individuals grow and heal at different speeds.
This is an excerpt from my new book How to Love Better, which is temporarily 49% off the original price on Amazon. You can also get a copy in bookstores everywhere.
Reflection:
What is your favorite way to heal?
What is your current relationship with your emotional history?
What do you feel grateful for today?
Speaking in San Francisco on May 14th
Friends in SF, I will be one of the speakers at the Wisdom and AI conference! Looking forward to meeting many of you there. Learn more about the conference here and get your tickets.
I like this conference because the goal is to focus our energy towards shifting AI into something that uplifts humanity instead of diminishing it.
Screenshots of Ready Together
Download it and use it for free on iPhone and Android
Download it and use it for free on iPhone and Android