You Don’t Need to Jump into every Argument
4 ways to measure your emotional maturity
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5 Star Review: “Such a good entry in Yung Pueblo’s series of killer books. He elucidates the nuance of the self-relationship and your connection to others with such clarity.” - Emma
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4 Ways to Measure Your Emotional Maturity
A key aspect of emotional maturity is making healthy sacrifices that support your long-term well-being more than your short-term pleasure.
For example, you give time to your healing, even when it is hard. You make space for rejuvenating connections, even when your craving wants to pull you back into old connections that you know are unhealthy for you. You embrace the repetition of good habits, even when it feels like they are building up slowly. You do the courageous work of keeping your heart open because you know that’s the only way to forge deep and meaningful connections. You try to take in the present moment with a fresh perspective that isn’t being constantly evaluated against what happened to you in the past.
More than anything, you give yourself what you need, instead of what you crave. Treating your energy like a precious resource has a deep effect on your life. Saying no becomes more common so you can focus your time and give it to your highest goals. You miss out on some events because you don’t need as much external stimulation to make you feel fulfilled. And your fulfillment is now derived from your self-care and the wholeness that is uncovered from your healing work.
You do remain open to healthy connections, but you are intentional about those you let into your inner circle. You give more time to your rest so that you can prosper while you are in the midst of your journey. Emotionally mature people are kind and gentle toward others, but they give the highest priority to what helps them thrive.
Here are 4 other ways you will know that your emotional maturity is growing:
1. You don’t need to jump into every argument or give your opinion on every matter. Sometimes you need to speak up in self-defense or to reaffirm boundaries, but saying less can make what you stand for much clearer and it will save your energy for moments when you know your words will have a great impact. Often, the urge to speak is ego-driven and may even bring greater friction to the situation.
Being skillful and taking the time to understand where you are coming from before you speak is valuable. Is it from a place of impulse and reaction that seeks dominance? Or is it from a place of curiosity that seeks to build understanding between two people? Are you really listening to others or just planning what points you want to make next?
2. You have a strong sense of determination. One of the practices that has made the biggest difference in my own life is having the resolve to stick to a path of healing once I determined that I had to change. There are a lot of ways to grow, but whenever you want to take a new path seriously there will be a point where you have to put your foot down and say to yourself, “No one and no situation will stop me from moving in this new direction. Moving this way is what is best for me and I will no longer compromise my well-being.” Having that strong determination has helped me become a daily meditator as well as pursue writing as a career.
As your self-awareness grows, the internal debate that occurs when you have an important decision in front of you becomes simpler and the decision you should make becomes more obvious. The struggle about which way to go and where to devote your time becomes less intense and time-consuming when you are no longer a mystery to yourself. Since you know your aspirations and have practice being your authentic self, whatever comes near you that does not align with your goals will not be able to stay around for long. Your self-awareness strengthens your intuition. As you make more progress, you will know what is for you and what is not for you.
3. You notice that similar emotions attract. Emotions usually attract similar emotions, and what you give to others in interpersonal situations is normally what you will get back. When you’re feeling down and anger starts to suffuse your mind and actions, that makes it much easier for others to react to you with anger, since they feel justified in doing so. Similarly, if you are deep in your vulnerability and expressing it honestly, others will have an opening to respond with compassion and understanding.
The emotion that you are expressing will often activate that same emotion in another person. When people are angry, they are often coming from a place of deep fear and hurt—something is triggering their need for survival and activating their human habit of anger as a form of protection. The strategy of someone who has deepened their healing and cultivated their emotional maturity is not getting pulled into unnecessary arguments when someone else is trying to spread their tension. With mental patience and agility, you can override your survival instinct of reacting to their tension with your own tension.
4. You act with an increasing sense of responsibility. Accepting responsibility for your healing and happiness is incredibly difficult, but it is the only path available to us that can lead to inner peace, mental clarity, and sustainable happiness. If you believe that every moment of tension in your mind is always someone else’s fault, then it will be difficult to feel substantial happiness or real peace. The ocean of life will push you here and there until you raise your sails and navigate through the waves that try to hold you back. There are undoubtedly hard moments in life, but the movements of your mind do not have to remain unconscious.
How you perceive things does not always have to be dictated by what happened in the past. Instead, you can become more attuned to the present by bringing your mind out of your imagination and into what is actually happening inside you and in front of you. Building the foundation for a better life starts with what is happening inside your mind. People may push and test you, but cultivating a pillar of inner balance will help you remain sturdy when the world outside you is chaotic.
You can read a lot more about this topic in my new book How to Love Better. It is temporarily 33% off on Amazon.
New York Times Bestseller!
Thank you for making How to Love Better a New York Times Bestseller! Your support has meant the world during the launch! I am profoundly grateful for your trust and kindness. I hope my new book is serving you well and that it brings good energy into your life.
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I can’t believe no one has already commented on this wonderful article.
I’m reading your book and while only in the first section and working on the journaling prompts, I am finding myself getting even better at expressing myself authentically and taking space as needed.
I’m actually working on an article about a similar topic using first person experience as a part two to my post from Thursday entitled “Lessons in Loving…are often served with pain.
Thank you for the care you take in your writing and clear and concise you way you explain complex and emotional topics.
I shared your book with my entire mailing list of past and present clients.
🙏🏻 namaste 🙏🏻 Cindy