The Problem with Always Trying to Feel Good
Letting yourself feel a wide range of emotions, including the heavy ones, helps you engage with more of what it means to be human.
When you deeply understand that change is the dominant law of the universe, it makes any attempt to only feel one way or to try to forcibly keep things the same seem like a futile endeavor. If the forward motion of the universe is driven by change, then that means that change will always be a part of our lives. Whether we like it or not, that includes our emotions.
All human beings have the ability to feel, and we all experience a wide variety of emotions. Because everything outside of your own actions is beyond your control, the unknowns of life will make it so that each moment will carry a unique quality. Your perception and your reaction to each distinct moment will vary as you move through life.
This undeniable truth of change reveals that the attachment to always trying to feel good is something that will cause inner tension. The craving to feel pleasant makes you have a strong preference for some emotions over others. It makes you seek solutions and quick fixes that can help you experience a smaller range of emotions than what is normal. We welcome and try to hold onto the pleasant and we strive to fight away the unpleasant.
Because the craving to only feel good things is so strong, it creates an internal dynamic where you end up suppressing the things you don’t want to feel. Pushing away or ignoring heavy emotions that are asking for your attention does not solve anything, it actually just feeds the pattern, deepens the reaction and makes it more likely you’ll feel that same emotion in the future.
The emotions you ignore have the tendency to grow. Whereas the emotions that you let yourself feel have the opportunity to move through you and not leave a heavy mark. When you react to what you feel, you are creating a big imprint in your subconscious. Suppressing and ignoring are reactions that reveal how attached you are to only feeling things that are pleasant.
Wisdom teaches that to expand our awareness of what we feel is the gateway to peace. Peace does not mean only feeling good, it means that you are no longer at war with your own emotions, that you can accept what is happening within you.
Sadness, anxiety, grief, loss, fear and all other heavy emotions are a normal part of life. Trying to erase them is unrealistic. Instead, your energy is better spent feeling them in a balanced manner. Knowing that there is something in them for you to learn, to process, and to eventually let go. Letting yourself feel the heavy things is not the same as getting stuck in them. Being okay with not being okay is a skill that helps you not get dragged down by challenges.
One of the most useful qualities that anyone can develop is mere acceptance because then you can face things that are unpleasant without running away. Facing what you don’t like does not mean that you are passive, it just means that you are practicing honesty. Objectively, you can witness the moment, recognize that it is undesirable and still meet the situation with a sense of balance.
Letting yourself feel a wide range of emotions, including the heavy ones, helps you engage with more of what it means to be human. Letting yourself feel the highs and lows of life helps you see that pleasant things can be enjoyable without having to crave for them endlessly and that unpleasant things are more tolerable because they simply don’t last forever.
Inner peace often gets confused with eternal bliss, but really it is just objective awareness. You feel what is happening within you, the light and the heavy, but you don’t attach yourself to anything, you let emotions flow through you. Inner peace is the ability to honor the truth of heavy emotions without throwing more fuel onto them and making them worse.
The key is to feel all emotions with open hands as opposed to hands that refuse to let go. Seeing yourself through the wisdom that everything is always changing can help you befriend all of the emotions that pass through you.
You can read more about this topic and how it impacts relationships in my new book How to Love Better.
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I love being reminded of this - especially in this moment. Thank you for reminding me. Peace is always accessible inside of us.
Beautifully written. Learning to "not-attach" to any of our emotions is freedom. Too often people who have experienced trauma keep the trauma circle going because they only know pain, sadness and grief. Allowing for all emotions inside of you to feel expressed and whole is how we move toward joy.
The Guest House by Rumi is a lovely way of understanding how to be understanding and kind to all of our emotions, not just the ones we like.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.