The Dissatisfaction Caused by Attachment
The more deeply we identify with something, the more our ego grabs hold of it
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Hurt and attachment are bound together. When someone says something contrary to what we would like them to say—or, even worse, when what we are attached to no longer exists because the flow of time has eroded it—the pain we feel is tremendous. The more deeply we identify with something, the more our ego grabs hold of it. The lighter the attachment, the less hurt there will be. The deeper the attachment, the more mental pain there will be when it is challenged or taken away.
The human mind doesn’t just take in information, it evaluates that information and forms a relationship with it that is wrapped in tension. The mind is constantly creating images of the things it encounters and tying those images to a particular narrative. Through the accumulation of these narratives, we end up pushing reality further and further away. This is especially true when it comes to the people we love, as that love is often tangled up with attachments.
We crave for our loved ones to live their lives in certain ways and make decisions that align with how we would decide things for ourselves. The love we have for dear ones is often tarnished by an inner push to control them, even when we know that real love is supporting their freedom.
Attachment itself is so alluring because it makes us feel that we can have security, that if we keep the things we crave close to us and defend our chosen narratives vehemently, we will be safe. Attachment itself is built on illusion, because most of the mental images we create and then rely on are based on narratives that are not fully truthful.
Attachment has a seductive quality: Our mind is already inclined toward it, so why not continue moving in its direction? Even though it fills our minds with tension, we keep digging deeper into attachment to see if next time things will be different. If we just get this nicer material object or reach this next career milestone, or if others would just see us the way we want to be seen—with love and admiration—we think we will finally be happy. But the only certainties waiting for us are dissatisfaction and more craving.
Attachment is a huge pattern, arguably one of the biggest. And each time we create another mental image that we wrap our identity around, we make the pattern thicker and more liable to occur over and over again. Seeing attachment as a form of security is one of the biggest mirages that human beings have fallen for. The reality is that there is no security in attachment – through them we will find nothing but pain, confusion, and misdirection. Real security can only be found in a deep embrace of impermanence.
Attachment often manifests in the mind first and then seeps into the external world as an attempt to control. Because everything is always changing, there is little chance for us to fulfill every craving that we have. If we are always being driven by our cravings, we are spending too much time in our imagination and far too little time in the present moment. Presence is possible when we are actively observing what is real within and around us. A deep presence requires not only self-awareness but also a degree of selflessness so that you can take in what is happening without projecting onto it.
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I had the honor of giving the closing keynote at SXSW EDU! I got to go deep into how to unlock your best self, the three pillars of self love, how to change your life through small victories, my own story and much more. The video also includes a Q+A at the end. Hope this one serves you well!
This is so profound and excruciatingly true and also liberating w a promise of freedom from the attachments themselves. Always beautiful to read your work. A special gift this Sunday for me. Can I quote and share any of your work here on substack? It’s a gift💕💕💕
I am just beginning to recognize this as it is happening. For the first time in my life, I am feeling like I am able to take care of myself and take responsibility for speaking my truth in real time❤️