The 7 Pillars of Emotional Maturity
Emotional maturity is the deep realization that who you are and how you behave is not set in stone, it is actually something you can shape with intentional action.
My new book How to Love Better will be available in just 9 days! It is temporarily 33% off on Amazon. This is a preorder sale, after the release the sale will likely change.
“How to Love Better is destined to change your life.”—Lena Waithe
“Yung Pueblo’s words will stay with you long after you’ve turned the last page.” — Vex King
Emotional maturity sometimes feels hard to define because it is not just one thing. When you look at it closely, it is a set of emotional skills that come together to help you connect with yourself and with other people. At its core, emotional maturity is the ability to peacefully engage with your own emotions and the ability to overcome hard interpersonal moments in a way where you do your part to help rebuild genuine harmony.
Emotional maturity doesn’t just happen on its own, it is usually gradually developed when you recognize the different qualities that you need to strengthen. To be able to see yourself and to be able to see another requires a high degree of honesty, listening, resilience, and enough inner peace to not cling to the tough emotions that stop the resolving of tension.
Since life is challenging and largely uncontrollable, building emotional maturity is an investment that yields great results when you are trying to problem solve.
The following are 7 pillars that come together to build true emotional maturity:
1. Self-awareness. Being able to see yourself clearly is necessary if you want to build emotional maturity. The opposite of self-awareness is unconscious reactions and impulsiveness, which leads to simply repeating the past endlessly. Self-awareness opens the door to new opportunities, where you can see more than just your impulsiveness. Being able to see yourself and the way you move through your emotional range helps you be mindful of what you are saying and why you are saying it. Through self-awareness comes better decisions because you know when your intentions are genuine, when you would benefit from pausing and slowing down, and when you need to take accountability.
2. Resilience. Having the resilience to not run away from your own heavy emotions is what you need to do if you really want to understand your patterns and expand your perspective. The same quality is needed when you are having tough conversations with someone you care about. Not being afraid of the storm and accepting that tough moments can become the doorways to a better tomorrow is the energy you need to learn from what is right in front of you.
3. Compassion. The specific type of compassion where you are able to see more perspectives than just your own is not only a sign of intelligence, but also an essential quality that is at the root of dissolving and healing arguments that happen between two people. To see each other clearly, you both need to pull yourselves out of your perspective and listen to how things felt for the other person. Even as an individual, understanding that your view is not the only view can make you less attached to what you think you know.
4. Mental Agility. Teaching yourself to not get stuck in a particular viewpoint or emotion is essential because all emotions are temporary, and all viewpoints are subject to change when new information appears. This is the quality that allows you to embrace your evolution. Having mental agility means that you have the humility to learn and to let go. Mental agility is what helps you return to the present moment when your mind starts swimming in insubstantial narratives that are driven by tension as opposed to truth. The combination of self-awareness and mental agility helps you see what’s not real and make corrections when necessary.
5. Feeling without fueling. Emotional maturity is what happens when you can feel your heavy emotions without letting them take total control over your actions. Recognizing when your emotions are clouding your perspective and simultaneously not allowing yourself to make big decisions when your mind feels unclear is going to help your future self. This is especially helpful during challenging arguments, because it helps you feel the truth of your emotions without sliding into just making the argument worse because you don’t like how you feel. Having a sense of balance, where you honor the truth of your hurt, but you are also actively finding pathways to resolve the argument, is challenging but not impossible.
6. Honest communication. Being able to face your truth and speak that truth to another takes great courage. Saying when you are hurt instead of sweeping it under the rug, candidly detailing the way you like your happiness to be supported, mentioning the way your emotions fluctuate throughout the day are all essential ways to build a positive culture within you and with whoever you are closest to. Emotional maturity is deeply connected to honesty because honesty is the bridge that amplifies connection. Whenever honesty is missing, walls slowly start appearing.
7. The energy to grow. Emotional maturity is the simultaneous acceptance that we are imperfect human beings who are bound to make mistakes, but it would serve us to know what skills we lack and put effort into developing them. This is not a chase for perfection, it is a deep embrace of progress without judgment or harsh self-talk. You know that you will never get things 100% right, but it is still valuable to let go of the old conditioning that is slowing you down and making your mind heavy. Emotional maturity is the deep realization that who you are and how you behave is not set in stone, it is actually something you can shape with intentional action.
I write a lot more about this topic in my new book How to Love Better! It comes out in 9 days! Take advantage of the 33% off sale because it won’t always be around.
Make sure to claim your free relationship workbook after you preorder!
Last Tickets Available for the Tour
All events are very close to selling out! See you soon!
Boston March 10th - In conversation with Kristen Holmes, Principal Scientist at WHOOP. Click here for tickets.
New York City March 11th - In conversation with Lindsey Simcik, host of the Almost 30 podcast. Click here for tickets.
San Francisco March 14th - In conversation with Jillian Turecki, New York Times bestselling author of It Begins With You. Click here for tickets.
Boulder March 18th - In conversation with Nicole Behnam, host of Beyond the Interview. Click here for tickets.
Austin March 20th - In conversation with Adriene Mishler, founder of Yoga with Adriene. Click here for tickets.
London March 29th - In conversation with Poppy Jamie, founder of Cuddle Sleep Health. Click here for tickets.
Favorite Posts:
