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Miscommunication between two people is incredibly common because every time someone speaks they are translating their feelings into words, and then the other person has to interpret those words through the filter of their own current feelings and past emotional history. Since we are communicating through filters of perception, it takes a certain degree of calmness and emotional maturity between two people to ask each other, “What do you mean by this?” or “Can you tell me more?” to really understand what is being said. Communication without patience is likely to turn into conflict. Communication with patience is likely to lead to deeper connection.
The power of communication in a relationship cannot be overstated. It is the bedrock of your union and its savior during challenging moments. Communication is how you keep each other informed regarding your individual truths and any changes that have occurred in your needs. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, you are better off communicating frequently and erring on the side of overcommunicating until you both develop a better understanding of each other. With openness and time, you will learn more about each other’s longstanding preferences. Even if you have been together for decades, you will not be able to read each other’s minds, and since you are both beings of change, there will still be new opinions, ideas, and stories to share with each other. Listening to each other with a selfless mindset—one where you let go of your own view for a moment so that you can compassionately examine your partner’s view—will help you both build a much deeper understanding of how you each experience things.
If you can take turns practicing selfless listening, it will help both of you feel that your reality is being heard. Healthy modes of communication, based on compassionate honesty and selfless listening, create a deeper level of respect between the two of you. Even though perspectives may be cloudy because of everything each of you has gone through in the past, there is still a lot of value in honoring the fact that even a cloudy perspective can have real implications for how you feel. All humans want to be seen. If you can give that gift to your partner, it will build an incredible amount of trust and unity.
The type of communication that brings two people close together cannot occur without honesty. It is easy to fall into cycles of white lies as a means of people-pleasing or to avoid conflict, but even small lies create distance. To reach deeper levels of love and unity, you have to take the path of honesty with yourself and those around you. If you really want to be with someone, it means there is no more space for running or lying. A synonym for love is truth.
This is an excerpt from my book Lighter, which is temporarily 39% off on Amazon.
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