Ego, Pain, and Attachment
Today:
On my latest Instagram post I am trying a practice in community care: preorder a copy of my new book, Clarity & Connection, and give one if you can. If you want a copy but can’t afford one right now, write “need one” in the comments. If you can support someone in getting a copy write “I can help” underneath their comment. Then you can take the convo to DM’s to get their address and send them a copy. These are hard times that we are in, supporting each other makes a difference. If you want to participate, by giving or receiving a copy, go to my latest Instagram post. This will only be taking place on Instagram for the next 24 hours.
At the bottom of this newsletter there are ample links to place preorders for Clarity & Connection.
Three thoughts:
The ego struggles to appreciate differences in opinions and views. A common cause of inner conflict is when someone close to you is making choices that you would not make yourself. Our initial impulse is to want them to think and act like us. There is a sense of comfort the ego feels from uniformity – when our family, friends and peers are all aligned with a particular view of what is right and what is wrong, we feel the pleasantness of safety and the reassurance that our view is correct.
Our ego will make it seem like we are acting in their best interest to try to convince them into behaving or making decisions in a way we find agreeable, when in reality it is just the inflexibility of our attachment that is trying to get them to conform into what seems proper to us. When you crave for those close to you to be just like you, to see the world just like you, to think just like you, it reinforces the ego’s impulse to control and limits the flow of unconditional love that makes connections deep and fruitful. Love has the security and confidence to embrace differences, it understands that our loved ones are complex, and that control will never bring them closer to us.
Intellectualizing has an infinite quality, people can come to an endless number of views and conclusions, which means the attachment to having others think just like us will never be fulfilled. There will always be differences, which are partially fed by the constant creation of nuances that expand views. Our only option that supports our inner peace is to find a balance where we live our truth without trying to mold the people around us. You can certainly offer people your perspective and it may even influence their decisions, but any advice delivered is best done so without the intention to control. Remember, you can ask someone to show up for you in a certain way, but you cannot force them to do this, it has to be a voluntary agreement that arises out of their own volition to support your happiness.
If the pain was deep you will have to let it go many times. We often do not realize how every time we react to what we feel, it makes an imprint on the mind, especially during moments of intense emotion. The imprint can be so deep that the hurt will come up many times as we move through our healing and deconditioning process. In these moments, our only real option is the patience to keep observing/loving ourselves and to find a technique that helps us unbind and unload the old heaviness that we carry. There are so many healing techniques/practices out there, some include journaling, 1 on 1 therapy, different kinds of meditation and so much more. What matters is finding something that meets your conditioning where it is at.
Attachment has a self-centered approach to love, where you focus too much on how your partner makes you feel and not enough on treating them well. Connection has more room for balance, where you both seek to support each other’s happiness and communicate instead of control. If someone only cares about how you make them feel and puts little effort into finding a middle ground where you are both giving and receiving support, then this is an unhealthy connection. No one is perfect, which makes moments of tension common, but what we do when the tension arises makes all the difference. If we can handle it by listening to each other selflessly and communicating frequently, we will be much more likely to find solutions and understandings that are mutually uplifting.
Clarity & Connection:
My new book comes out 3 weeks from today! Thank you to those who have already preordered! If you want to receive a copy on April 27th when it is released, make your order now. There is sometimes a delay between the first print run and the second print run when a book first comes out, so it may be smart to plan in advance if you want to own a copy of my new book.
Journal Prompt:
Are there instances when you have tried to control the choices and outcomes of another person’s life? Has this created a lot of tension in your mind? Are there ways you can practice letting go or even appreciating that it is ok for someone you love to make decisions that are different from your own? Are there ways you can accept yourself even more and allow that acceptance to extend to those around you?