9 Lessons From 9 Years of Marriage
Being able to acknowledge their emotions while still living in your own energy is totally possible.
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Marriage is a powerful journey. It has the potential to soothe, nurture and to shine a bright light on all the areas where you need more growth. Marriage is a bastion of safety, but it also pulls you closer to the truth. When two beings are willingly in proximity to one another, the result is that you both become clear mirrors.
You see each other, but you can also clearly see yourself. Living your lives together makes all the best qualities, prominent patterns, and fears stunningly clear. Seeing yourselves and each other as a mixture of beauty and imperfection turns marriage into an excellent training ground to elevate your ability to love.
Sara and I have been together for 17 years and for 9 of those years we have been married. A few years ago, it dawned on me that I see her face more than I see my own. My memories are coated with her presence. My experience is often seeing her standing next to the world. Having her be the brightest light in my life creates a feeling in me that is far beyond gratitude. Together, we have taken growth seriously and enjoy learning about the mind and the universe through Vipassana meditation.
The following are 9 lessons that have made themselves clear in our marriage:
Calmness matters. There will be times when one of you is going through tough emotions or a big challenge appears that shakes your peace. In these moments, you can support your partner in multiple ways, but one of the best ways is to maintain your calmness while they go through their process. Not getting sucked into their storm and instead slowly inviting them into your peace by maintaining your energy the way you want it to be is a big gift. Being able to acknowledge their emotions while still living in your own energy is totally possible. This can sometimes help make their storm shorter.
Listening is soothing. Listening to your partner as they share whatever has been on their mind is an act of deep love. Sometimes they will share incomplete thoughts with you because they are still in the midst of processing things. Being able to receive their thoughts with nonjudgmental curiosity can be quite comforting for them. Listening to each other is an essential way to show how much you care.
Joy in small moments. A lot of people want the honeymoon period to last forever, but that reveals an attachment to excitement. Living for excitement can make you miss the joy that can commonly be found in the present moment. The moments when you are cutting vegetables together, going on short walks, making each other laugh – there is so much to enjoy in normal everyday life. Finding joy in the mundane can make you see how precious your relationship and life really is.
You will not grow at the same speed. Even though you and your partner fit together well, you are not the same person. You have very different emotional histories and old pains from the past that sometimes resurface. There will be times when one of you will be able to pick up a new quality faster than the other and that is absolutely normal. Love is patience. What matters is that energy is being put into growth, not the speed.
Throw away the idea of perfection. Even the most well intentioned and growth-oriented human beings can make mistakes, especially when we cannot control each other’s perceptions. You can’t expect each other to always get it right. What matters is when mistakes do happen that neither of you are afraid of accountability and giving apologies. Acknowledging, repairing, and moving on is a constant aspect of healthy partnership.
Remember who you are arguing with. Tension is bound to happen and if held well it can lead to the two of you coming closer together. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to get caught up in the argument and you both forget that the person in front of you is the love of your life and your best friend. Recentering yourself around the fact that your partner is not your enemy will help you let go of the tension so that you can find a solution.
Don’t argue to win. Arguments should not be treated like a competition. If you look at them from a growth mindset, they are actually opportunities for you both to be vulnerable and honest so that you can overcome the wall that was getting in the way of you deepening your connection. An argument is truly over when you understand each other well. Seeing each other’s perspective as your own will help you undo the tension.
How can I support your happiness? This question is one that you should ask each other a few times a year. You and your partner are beings of change, your preferences will shift over time. Staying informed about how your partner likes to be held is exceedingly helpful. The way you like to be loved should not be a mystery, set each other up for success by being honest and meeting in the middle.
Keep growing. A healthy place to be in is when you find the balance between acknowledging your imperfections and still having a clear idea of what qualities you should develop next. Putting energy into showing up as the best version of yourself for your daily life and for your partner means that you will have to deeply embrace your evolution.
My good friend Nedra Glover Tawwab has a new book out called Consider This! She is an exceptional therapist and writer. You can get her new book here.
The following is from her new book:
Passive-aggressive behavior comes from anger and frustration. It can be triggered by sadness or hurt, or when we feel someone has taken advantage of us. Many of us behave in a passive-aggressive manner because we believe we can’t be honest about what we feel.
You can prevent yourself from being passive-aggressive by speaking up.
Here are some tips:
Try not to use words like “always” or “every time.” Just focus on that moment. You can say “I was trying to say something, and you cut me off. Can I finish?”
Or “It sounds like you’re trying to be helpful, but you’re telling me what to do. I need to listen to myself in this situation.”
Even if you don’t know exactly how to explain what you’re feeling, you can say “Oh, I didn’t like that” or “Something about that made me feel off.”
Remember that when you speak up, you won’t feel like you betrayed yourself by keeping quiet.
Recognize that folks may not realize they’ve offended you unless you tell them. We all have different humor and pain points. They may need you to say “Jokes like that aren’t funny to me.”
Be honest about what works for you. Speak your truth even if the person receiving it may not understand it. If, for example, they insist that everyone else loves their jokes, it’s okay that you don’t, as long as they respect that. Let them know that it
just isn’t your brand of humor.
Take preventative measures where appropriate. If you know you are going to have an interaction with someone who might trigger your frustration, warn them beforehand. For instance, if you’re going to the library with a friend who is always loud and that bothers you, say “Hey, we’re about to go into the library, remember to keep your voice down.” Prevent your irritation when you can.
Your words are a balm to my heart. My husband and I have shared 43 years together and the learning still comes. I am so grateful. Thank you.
this is extremely sound, sage wisdom, brother. thank you and S for your steadfastness and love... james and i will benefit, and i've sent it to jones for his future relationships. really thank you.