5 Principles That Elevate Relationships
What does supporting each other’s happiness really mean? Giving support sometimes feels like a vague term because the support we need as individuals is so situational. What we need may change from one day to the next and certainly from one year to another. But there are some clear essentials about giving proper support that can help us navigate this critical aspect of healthy relationships.
Understanding that another person cannot make you happy: This is often one of the hardest pills to swallow. Society has deeply conditioned us to expect that happiness will be ours once we get in the right relationship. It is true that being in a relationship can support our happiness but our partner will not be able to give us everything that has been missing. Nor will one person be able to fulfill all of our needs, cravings and bring limitless joy to our lives. The truth is that these are unhealthy expectations that are based in a strong attachment to pleasure. We have no other option but to take responsibility for our own happiness. Happiness has to be cultivated from the inside out; your mental state gives color and vibrancy to your external environment. You can have a calm life and wonderful partner and still be unhappy if you have not properly assessed your internal landscape.
Understanding that another person cannot fix your emotional problems: On a similar note, we often expect our partners to be the answer for our own internal turbulence. We think the love they give us will be enough to bring lasting peace to our minds and that it will erase the hard past that affects us on a daily basis. But the truth is that avoiding responsibility and doing nothing to understand your story and manage your reactions will create conflict in your relationship. If you do not understand that your emotional stability rests on your shoulders, it will become easy to fall into a loop where you are blaming your partner for inner tension that arises within you that is not necessarily related to them.
Healthy support has to be mutual; both people should be doing their best to be there when the other needs it: It takes two people taking turns giving active support to create a harmonious relationship. If only one person is in a constant state of giving and the other is always receiving without ever taking the time to do their part, the partnership will quickly become exhausting. Partnerships should be a space of growth and rejuvenation. It is more than likely that both people entering the relationship will still have much to learn about themselves and what it takes to create long lasting harmony, but this is where communication becomes critical, if you let each other know how you need support it gives the other person a chance to put forward effort, even if giving active support is something new for them. None of us will get it right every single time, but noticeable effort will make a substantial difference.
There should be no coercion or manipulation: Supporting each other’s happiness has to be voluntary if there is to be real harmony between the two of you. Our emotional capacities are quite different, so are our strengths, and the ways we show love. Demanding a very specific form of support can backfire if it does not feel healthy for the other person to show up in the way you are asking. Ultimately, we can ask for support, but we cannot corner each other and coerce one another to get what we want, that isn’t real love and it is potentially harmful. What is possible is patiently sharing ways you would each like to be supported and checking within yourselves to see if these are ways that you can show up for each other. The key is to find a match between ways your partner is looking for support and what feels possible within the realm of your emotional range. If they are asking for something that is not doable for you, honor yourself by saying so.
Flexibility: The last critical piece is flexibility. Whether we are open to growth or not, we are constantly changing beings. What works one day may not quite suite us on another day. When you both lean on communication and check in on what helpful support looks like for the both of you, you are setting each other up for success. Guessing games are a recipe for disaster, never expect your partner to read your mind. You are better off being vocal about where you are and what you need so that the one you love can come forward to support you. Seeing each other as changing beings that will naturally have shifting preferences over time will make it easier to switch things up whenever necessary.
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Journal Prompt:
In what ways would you appreciate support? Is there a bond you share with someone that stands out as particularly healthy? Why do you two get along well? What lessons can you bring from that relationship into new ones that may arise in the future?
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